Rating: PG-13, for now.
Warnings: Not much for this chapter, only that this is an AU so they're not brothers here.
Disclaimer: Supernatural belongs to Kripke and the CW
Summary: With two years at learning everything he could about the supernatural world, Sam Black thinks he’s ready to fight the monster that killed his parents. But how is he going to find the damn thing? Is he really ready to enter a world that is so different and scary? Maybe he is not as alone as he thought he was.
A/N: First I want to thank the amazing baboomstick for being my beta for this story, without her I probably wouldn't write anything so thank you so much Crystal for everything :) And for that I want to dedicate the all story to you sweetie! *big kiss*
A/N2: song used is 'Come Out Of The Shades' by The Perishers
It was dark in his room and Sam never felt so alone in his life. When his parents died he thought he was at his limit, but now he could see clearly how wrong he was. Now he felt like shit and the lack of light in his apartment didn’t help at all. The night had always been worse for Sam as if the sun would take all his good feeling away when it disappears.
Sam hid his head under his pillow and bit his lip in order to stop the scream that wants to come out of him. How could everything go so wrong only in one day? First was Adam, then the monster who killed his mom and dad and at last was Dean, the guy who enters his life and turned it upside down.
How could he be in this situation? These feelings were so strange to Sam that he was completely lost. It was the first time that Sam fell for someone like he did hours ago, and he didn’t know if he was going to see Dean again. What would he do if Dean never shows up? How could Sam forget him? He knew he wasn’t able to, not now. He had a connection with the other man that he couldn’t explain, he couldn’t understand but for the first time in a long time he liked this feeling, because in this case the feeling was love and not fear, loneliness or regret. He just didn’t want to let go of Dean.
He frowned. These feelings weren’t right, they can’t be because Sam’s not the type of guy who falls in love with someone that he met only for fifteen minutes. That’s not even rational and he had to stop his head from thinking about everything that includes the man. He’s positive he can do it, he stronger than the other people think he is, and he made a promise to himself after all.
He wasn’t an idiot, it was obvious he had a lot of problems and not all of them were psychological. And he didn’t intent to make other person suffer like he did, that wasn’t fair and Sam just can’t take watching Dean or any of his friends experience a pain like he had to stand, twenty four hours a day, for the last two years- the longest years of his life!
But he was so tired of living alone with every damn thing of his fucking life that he let himself hope, just for a precious moment, that he could finally share a part of his heart and soul with someone for more than five minutes - a real thing - a forever. But Sam knew he has to wake up eventually. No one in his right mind would want to share bad experiences and sad thoughts, they have their own demons anyway so he has to hold on with the life he has now, even if that hurts like hell.
Sam’s eyes were wet and he tried to distract himself with a cute song his mother used to sing all the time when she was preparing classes. He felt his body relaxing almost instantly, his mother’s voice was in his head repeating the same phrase, over and over again, like a prayer:
‘I’m helpless without your warming smile’
He let himself involve in the harmony that his mother’s voice brings and took a deep breath. He was feeling his soul getting lighter and he knew his sleep was closer now.
Then he stars hearing another voice saying his name with the same rhythm of his mother’s song:
‘Dean!’ he recognized Dean’s voice, he was using the same tone as the last time Sam heard the man calling him that. And surprised with himself he saw his muscles even more relaxed, making his body ready to finally go to sleep.
Sam’s eyes were closing with his mother and Dean’s voices and a tiny light coming throw his window from the already rising sun
Dean was walking in circles around his motel room, he was nervous and scared. What would he do now? He was one hundred percent sure that Sam knew about the supernatural things and he, for once, wanted to be honest. But why? Maybe because it was Sam he was lying to? He doesn’t know… but he was sure he was feeling something for that guy, and that wasn’t a very good sign for himself.
He stopped walking and fell into the bed, an anxious sound coming from his lips. He put his head in his hands and close his eyes tiredly, ‘This is so fucked up! How am I supposed to talk to him again? How am I going to explain the truth without making Sam run away from me like I have the plague or something?’
He sighs and opens his eyes again thinking ‘Maybe he’ll understand and accept my job! Actually that would be really nice… I have to try to talk to him honestly or I’ll be tormenting me with what could have happened if I in fact tried.’
He stands up and begins looking for his jacket ‘It can’t be so bad, besides Sam already knows about the freaking monsters, I think, so he just has to know that I’m a killer!’ – he laughs without humor – ‘Right! That would be easy…’ said his mind while he was moving to his car to find Sam, not thinking, even for a second, about the case he was suppose to be working at that moment.
When he got to the hospital it was already noon. Without any sleep last night Sam didn’t had the strength to get up to go to classes this morning, so he let himself rest a little during the day. Now he feels a little better and decides to visit his friend like he said he would.
He was walking throw Adam’s room when he noticed a doctor running away in the direction of the back door of the building. That was strange but Sam didn’t give it much thought because it was not any of his business, but regretted that almost immediately when he heard a nurse screaming, tears falling from her eyes and she was point to the door where the doctor disappeared moments ago. She was talking too fast but he caught small bits like “He’s dead” and “Dr. Roberts ran away”.
‘What’s going on?’ though Sam while he was getting closer to the room, and when he approached the right place he saw a lot of people there and they were all sad and shocked.
Sam’s heart stopped beating when he saw the reason of so much confusion: his friend Adam was on his bed, his eyes closed and there was blood everywhere. It took a few seconds for him to understand what was in front of his eyes and Sam saw everything around him spinning, he tried to step back. When his back hit a wall he let his body slip into the floor, he was shaking and crying, his breath coming out in torrents.
He doesn’t know how much time he stayed like that, it could be hours or just minutes but he couldn’t move from that spot. He was scared to raise his head; the image of his friend was recorded in his brain and he doesn’t know what to do. He failed again, he didn’t save his parents and he didn’t come on time for his friend too.
Sam jumped when he felt two arms holding him, the hug was strong but at same time it was transmitting calmness and security and Sam relaxed a little. Then a sad voice came to his ears “Shhhh, it’s okay Sammy, I’m here. Nothing bad is going to happen to you, I won’t let that happen.”
And the only response that came out of Sam’s mouth was a weak “De-“.
Then he felt Dean’s hand on his lips softly “Yes, it’s me. Just concentrate on breathing okay? I’ll take you away from here!”
‘NO!’ Sam’s mind screamed, he couldn’t leave yet, he had to find something that would prove that Adam’s dead was caused by the same thing that his parents. Even if this place makes him sick now, he has to focus and keep trying for his friend.
“I can’t go yet, please-“he was trying to show how important that fact was, but his voice was still weak and failed a bit “I need your help with something first. Can you help me?” He looked at Dean’s face and saw that Dean was worried but he still let out a little “Sure” and Sam continued “Thank you. We need to find Dr. Roberts body. I know he’s here somewhere.”
When he finished talking he was already up, pressed against Dean’s body, one arm around his hips and the other on his back helping Sam not to fall on the ground. He didn’t saw Dean putting him up but he felt a little more save like this and he felt compelled to put his head on Dean’s shoulder.
His thoughts were interrupted with Dean’s voice “What are you talking about Sam? That doesn’t make any sense. Dr. Roberts wasn’t the one who kill-“ the abrupt stop made Sam look at Dean and he saw guilt in his green eyes. He nodded and was going to start talking again when Dean continued: “Sammy, that doctor ran away. He’s not dead, I’m sorry.”
Sam would have laugh if he wasn’t so hurt and scared. Dean actually was apologizing for a man being alive, he never saw that one coming. But he was sure that wasn’t true and he was going to prove it. “Please believe me! I’m telling the truth. Help me and you’ll see.” He tried to make his voice sound as strong and confident as possible. And when he heard Dean’s agreement he had to smile a little.
‘I can’t believe I’m doing this!’ Dean though with a frown on his face. The truth was that he had only agreed with Sam because the kid’s pain was killing him and he wanted to make Sammy feel better and safe, Dean wanted Sam to trust him to help a little bit.
‘Now that I think about it closely, I don’t get why Sam said all those things. I mean, I can see he’s hurting, even before what happened to his friend, but Sam is not crazy or an idiot, I can clearly see that. Then why?’ he was thinking while he was looking at Sam’s concentrated face. He was searching for Dr. Roberts’s office in the reception’s computer and his eyes were running throw the screen really fast.
The light reflected in Sam’s eyes was making them glow with a strong blue color, like the ocean, deep and infinite and Dean felt his stomach contract and his heart jump like a rabbit. What was happening to him? He couldn’t look away from Sam, even if he wanted to, which wasn’t the case. The other man fascinates him like anyone else ever could and Sam is starting to be very important in Dean’s life and that scares him like hell because he was supposed to get away when he finishes the case, but he didn’t feel like leaving Sam now. He liked Sammy a lot, more than a friend, it was something he couldn’t explain, something irrational and that feeling was as strange as it was appealing to Dean.
Sam’s abrupt move broke Dean’s thoughts and he heard Sam’s voice saying “I found it! We better move fast, before the police comes.” And Dean agrees completely with that, because the last thing he needs is the police recognizes him from other times he had to run away from them.
These thoughts reminded him that Sam didn’t know about his story yet. Dean come to him with that intention really, but when he saw Sam in that state, shaking and crying, head between his knees like he was trying to disappear from the face of the earth and Dean couldn’t take it, he really had to do something for Sam. That is how he ends up going to a dead or alive guy’s office to find his body. That is so strange, even for him, that he was expecting to find a hill of nothing.
They were walking through the hospital, Sam was leading and he could see his back clearly: his muscles were contracted and Dean could say he was nervous and scared, like he actually expects for someone to jump on him in any second. Dean was certain that Sam really believes in what he said and that worries him a little – if Sam was right, they were dealing with a supernatural problem for sure. But if that wasn’t the case, that means Sam would need help, a type of help Dean doesn’t know he could give.
‘Which one is worse? I think I prefer the supernatural bastard; I like my Sammy sane- what? Mine? What the hell Dean? He’s not yours, that doesn’t make any sense!’
Dean was so shocked that he didn’t hear Sam trying to get his attention, shaking his shoulder slowly: “Dean? Dean! Hey man, are you in there?” he said with a concerned expression on his face, and that woke Dean from his space out and he looked at Sam’s worried face confused.
“Sorry, what did you say?”
The worry disappeared from Sam’s face and he chuckled making Dean’s body heat up with embarrassment. He was sure he was making a stupid impression on Sam and he had to stop it because, for some reason, that thought made Dean sad somehow. He’s so confused! Why was Sam’s opinion so important to him? Now he just wishes he could be a little better with the emotions crap.
“I said that this is Dr. Roberts’s office. Will you go inside with me?” it was the puppy dog look that made Dean melt like he was on a summer day, he starts moving through Sam but he stopped when he realized what he was doing. He couldn’t jump on Sam like that! The kid was disoriented right now and Dean didn’t even know if Sam liked him back!
“Of course I’ll go Sammy,” he said to distract himself from the thoughts he was having and direct himself to the door instead. He could see that Sam was scared so he shielded Sam with his body and opened the door. It was dark in the room, but it wasn’t that fact that made Dean’s senses jump in alarm, it was the smell. He knew this smell too well, someone was dead inside that room and now Dean had to believe in what Sam said. But how could he know this? It wasn’t possible, he heard that the doctor in question killed Adam and run away after that. If that was true then how could he be dead? In this perspective he could forget about demons, werewolves, vampires and other creatures like them.
“It’s better if you wait outside, okay Sam?”
“No, I want to go too. Please,” begged Sam, holding Dean’s hand not wanting to be left behind.
“It’s okay Dean, I swear. I told you we would find him, so I’m prepared, believe me!”
Dean felt sadness when he heard this. It’s so unfair someone so sweet as Sam has to see something so horrible. If he could, he would take Sam away from this place right now.
He noticed Sam’s hand getting away from his, but he needed to feel the other man so much that he hold Sam’s hand harder, making the other body get closer to his and he felt compelled to say something that would make Sam feel a little better.
“You’re safe with me here Sam, I promise! Let’s go then.”
They moved slowly through the room, hand in hand, searching for the source of the smell. Even in the dark, Dean noticed blood on the floor close to the desk. He called Sam’s attention and they get closer and closer, until they saw a body, the same man that the one who was in the photo that the nurse was showing to the police guy. ‘Shit!’ Sam’s theory was correct. He had to know how he knew all that, because this was getting stranger by the second.
“It’s Dr. Robert-“said Sam, his voice weak and tired, “what are we going to do now Dean?”. Dean knew that Sam was completely lost, but he didn’t know what to do himself. First he need to take Sam away from this place and they’ll talk seriously until he could understand everything Sam knows about the case, because he was certain Sam knew a lot.
“We need to go, and fast, before the police shows up and connect us with the murders.”
“You’re right. But where are we going?”
“It doesn’t matter, we decide that later. We just have to get out of here.”
He pushed Sam by the hand through the elevator and out of the building, trying to stay away from the police that was spread in the all hospital.
Sam felt like he was seeing his life pass him by without really living it. Today happened so many things that Sam was completely lost – he found his best friend dead by the same thing that killed his and Adam’s parents. And this one was the fact that Sam couldn’t explain, he knew the monster always killed the parents but left the children alive. But he did kill Adam and for the first time he changed his pattern and that scares Sam like hell. What if the thing decides to chase after every child he didn’t kill the first time? If that was the case and the bastard was in town, then Sam was next.
“Sam! Are you in there or what?”
Then Sam remembered where he was and he blush a little. He was in Dean’s room! He starts feeling so self conscience that he didn’t know what to do with himself. He knew Dean was going to ask about his story and Sam was going to tell the truth this time because, for some reason, he thinks Dean deserves to know. After all, he agreed to help Sam find the body, even if he didn’t have any reason to believe in what Sam said. That thought made Sam’s heart beat faster and he realized he was getting to much connected to the other man. What will he do when Dean leaves? Of course he wouldn’t want Sam around him more than necessary, and that thought made Sam’s heart skip a beat.
“Okay! I guess that’s a no. What do you say about a coffee? So you don’t fall asleep on me!”
He heard teasing in Dean’s voice, but he felt like an idiot anyway. He decided to answer before Dean starts to think he has mental problem after all.
“I- I’m sorry! I w- was thinking and I get a little distracted.”
“Don’t worry, I was just joking. But I’ll give you the coffee anyway-“Sam accepted the cup and looked at Dean waiting. He knew the other man didn’t finish talking. “You probably know I’m going to ask how do you know about the body, right?”
Of course he knew it, he was expecting that. But he couldn’t explain that without telling Dean about everything else, so he just prays for Dean to believe him!
“I know. But I have to tell you everything for you to understand. But please don’t run away next okay? I swear I’m not lying!”
He looked at Dean expectantly, hoping Dean would stay even after he says everything about himself.
“I’m not going anywhere Sam, you can tell me.”
Okay, now was the time to say it all. Putting his fear in a little part of his brain, Sam took a deep breath and said: “I have to start with what happened two years ago with my family. We were my mom, my dad and me and we used to live in a house close to Jessica, the girl you talked with yesterday, and Adam. One night, I was in my room and my mother was downstairs when my dad called her to say he would be really late from work and we could dinner without him.”
Sam was talking without stop, scared if he would he couldn’t continue. But Dean seems to be listening with total attention so he decided to keep going. “Next, I remember I heard noises coming from downstairs, like there was more than one person there, but I thought that was strange because I didn’t hear the door open and dad’s car still wasn’t in the garage, so I- I decided to g- go and c- check it-“
He stopped abruptly and closed his eyes hard, trying to stop the tears that he knew were coming. This part of his story was one of the hardest and he felt his chest hurting like it used to when he tried to tell someone. Then he felt Dean’s presence close to him and the other man’s hand on his hair moving slowly. He couldn’t open his eyes now, he felt like crying more but he was scared he would make Dean move away from him. He pushes his head closer to the touch, taking the courage he needs to keep talking.
“The moment I moved downstairs I knew something was really wrong. There was broken glass spread on the floor, crashed furniture and the worse was the blood. I saw a lot of blood! In that moment I was so scared that I didn’t think the person who did that could still be in the house and tried to find my mother. Then a saw her, she was in the living room, spread on the floor covered in blood and I stopped thinking. I was in panic and I tried to reach her when someone grab and pushed me through a chair. I couldn’t see the other person’s face but I tried to resist and do something, but I wasn’t strong enough, I-“
A sob escaped Sam’s lips and the hand on his hair stopped moving. He felt himself being pulled away gently from the chair he was sitting and being moved to the couch. Dean sits beside him and put his arm around Sam’s shoulder, making Sam stay closer to his body. He felt safe and not alone. Dean was making calming noises and that made Sam continue talking, even if he knew that the story wouldn’t get better.
“Thank you... I only saw the attacker’s face when I was pulled to the chair and what I saw was the last thing I was expecting. It was my father who attacked us! I- I didn’t know what to think because it wasn’t possible for that guy to be my dad but at the same time he was in front of me and I couldn’t deny it. He was laughing at me and he arrested me with chords to the chair.
They were too tied and I couldn’t even move a muscle. When he noticed I was trying to get out of that hold he started hitting me, again and again until I felt my face go numb and my own blood moving down my face and neck. I was expecting he would kill me at any second, but he stopped suddenly. That’s when I saw my real father right at the door. They were equal but the guy who was hitting me couldn’t be my dad and in the moment I saw the real one, everything made sense, or almost everything. I knew my dad wasn’t capable of doing such a thing. I knew him and it wasn’t too late to save him!”
Sam moved close to the heat coming from Dean’s body, making himself feel safe. Dean seemed to notice what Sam was trying to do and hold Sam’s hand gently. He talked for the first time since Sam started his story: “Shh, its okay Sam. Are you saying that you saw two people and they were the same person?”
“No, I saw two men with the same body, but they weren’t the same person. Please, just let me finish and I explain everything I can.” When Dean nodded for him to continue, he said: “W-when I saw my real father, the two of them start yell and fighting with each other and I tried so hard to free myself and help my dad! But I couldn’t, I was bleeding from my arms and legs but still the rope was in the same place. When the fighting noise stopped, I looked up and saw that one of them was up and the other-“ a tear fell from Sam’s eye and he couldn’t stop shaking. He felt Dean envelop him in his arms tightly. “-I didn’t d-do anything, I-I let him die like my m-mother and I didn’t s-stopped it! My father was killed and I w-was alone. I was praying, hopping for the man to kill me next. I wanted to die because I couldn’t stay here without them! B-but he didn’t, he laughed at me and just left-“
He couldn’t control himself, the tears started falling freely and he stopped fighting them. He remembered the pain and loneliness he felt since that day and that wasn’t a moment he wished he died with his parents. Only the thought of killing the monster made him keep going on living.
“I’m so sorry, Sam.”
“Its okay, Dean. I actually feel lighter now that I’ve talked about it.” And that was really true. Somehow Dean’s presence made Sam feel better and for the first time he didn’t feel like shit for telling what happened.
“But can I ask you a question? What happened to your mom and dad was the same that happened to your friend’s parents. So, I can see the pattern he uses, but why did he kill Adam? It doesn’t make sense.”
“I already thought about that and the only conclusion I get is that probably he doesn’t want to leave any victims of the crimes. Maybe one of them went wrong because of it, I don’t know. But I’m certain that if he’s here to finish the pendent jobs, I am in deep trouble. Adam and I were the only survivors in this town.”
“What? You knew he is after you and you didn’t tell me anything? What were you thinking?”
Sam was completely shocked. He didn’t expect Dean would react like this.
“I’m sorry, Dean, I only thought about it once, but I was so focused on finding the doctor’s body that I forgot to share my opinion.”
“It’s okay, Sam. Sorry for reacting this way, I guess I was worried. But if you knew about the body, that means you know what are we dealing with, right?”
Sam nodded slowly, “I guess so. The only thing that fits on all the details is a Shapeshifter.”
Dean looked at him, thinking hard. “To be honest, I think that’s a great theory. It explains how you saw two equal people. But we have to be sure before we do anything-“ he paused for a second and then said: “I just have one more question, how did you found out about the Shapeshifter?”
Sam was so relieved, Dean believed him and he wasn’t running away from Sam. That made him feels less sad.
“After my parent’s accident, I knew something strange happened that night. So, since no one believed me, I had to learn about it myself. That’s how I found out about a lot of things everyone think aren’t real.”
Dean was looking at him with a strange expression on his face. What did he say? Maybe he offended the other man somehow or something like that.
Dean moved his eyes to the floor, frowning. What was he thinking? Perhaps he wanted Sam to leave his room. Sam got up from the couch and moved closer to the door.
“Sam, I’m sorry-“
“It’s okay, Dean, really. I better leave now-“
Before he had time to open the door, Dean was in front of him, stopping Sam from leaving.
“Wait, please don’t go. Did I do something wrong?”
“No Dean, of course not. I just thought you wanted me to go.”
Sam was getting nervous by the second, Dean was moving even close to him, almost touching. He could smell Dean’s scent and it was making him a little dizzy and hot, his body was tingling and unconsciously he moved closer to Dean.
“I don’t want you to go.” He heard Dean whispering and before he could answer Dean was touching him this time –No, Dean was kissing him –a real kiss! Sam was scared to move and make Dean realize what he was doing and then he would stop and push Sam away for good.
Dean moved away from him seconds later, too fast for Sam to kiss back like he wanted to. Dean turned his back on Sam and murmured: “I’m sorry Sam, this was a mistake. I won’t do it again.”
Sam’s heart stopped. His fears were real; Dean didn’t want him like Sam hoped for a few moments. Of course not, no one in his right mind would want to be with him more than necessary and that thought made the small strength Sam had left to vanish completely and before he could break in front of the other man, he started running –without stop or looking back – just run away from the little sun he miraculously found and escaped him before he had the chance to catch it.
Sam’s lungs and legs were hurting from the running and the cold and his eyes were wet, but he only stopped when he saw his apartment. He just wanted to lie on his bed and hide from everyone and everything, he wanted to forget this horrible day and keep living with the everyday pain he was used to.
He was moving like a ghost now, face inexpressive and glassy eyes. The pain was already fading from Sam’s heart, spreading through his all body, a familiar feeling, almost like a longtime friend and he finally could think clearly. He was supposed to be like this for Sam, hurt, dark and loneliness and that wasn’t going to change just because he didn’t want to be alone anymore. He deserved the pain, after all, he saw his parents die and he did nothing to save them. He knew he deserved it, but sometimes he wished he could stop hurting and just be Sam and make someone else see the real him.
He step inside his apartment and went straight to the bedroom, without turn on the lights, but when he was half the way already, the lights turn on suddenly.
“Hello Sam. Did you miss me?”